one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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