if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
