my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
