hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
