I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm like, not good at living.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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