Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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