dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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