:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
