"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We had to coat check the pizza.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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