They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
