I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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