I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
