Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Im part way to drunk.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
