Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Girls should come with a carfax report
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
