no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She announced her abortion via fbk
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If I die, sorry about rent.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
