Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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