I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
