oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
