trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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