A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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