like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
this is an emotional support booty call
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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