We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
