I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
