yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
