Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
3pm strippers are depressing
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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