someone get that fucking seahorse.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
