I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
