I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
