the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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