Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
