I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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