he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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