My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
high people should be assigned attendants
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
They are going to name an STD after you.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
