remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dignity is for republicans.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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