i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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