There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you traded sex for a burrito?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
