I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
