you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
