I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
