I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
