If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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