Soap is not a condiment
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
