Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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