Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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