mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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