Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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