Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
