Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
