walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My penis needs a shock collar
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
