So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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