Life is so much better after having sex.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
