There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
